I mean, I am a mom. And I'm trying to blog. For, like, the third time (well, the fourth time, but my first blog was a specific travel blog pre-children, so it doesn't count as a mom blog). And I'm trying to blog about my experiences as a mom, and also as a teacher, because those two roles both intersect a lot and make up nearly my entire personal identity/definition. It's just that I don't consider those roles as the be-all, end-all. They're more of a starting point, the spools around which I wrap the threads of experience and education. I read mommy blogs sometimes to help me thread my MOM spool, but I don't really see this blog as a way to contribute back to that pool of information and advice. Honestly, I don't really want to contribute to that pool of information and advice. There are a lot of moms out there who are killing it in that arena, and I don't think I've got much to add that isn't already out there.
What I want to do is share my journey. And my thoughts about it. And be brave enough to be vulnerable in front of potential strangers on the internet. My journey is just my journey, but I wouldn't share it if I didn't think other people couldn't get something out of it, too, and that's both a little scary and a lot egotistical - who am I to assume that I have something to say that will resonate with other people? But I have real-life friends who have assured me that I do, and that I should, and it's been a long time since I've tried writing anything, and I made a New Year's resolution (which I never do, because I'm a flake), and so here we are.
In my next post, I'm going to give a little timeline to orient everybody to where we are right now, but for today I'll introduce my motley cast of characters:
- MAMA Z - That's me! I'm currently 33, live in Michigan, have a decent commute to teach science at an alternative high school in Detroit, and have zero hobbies outside of reading; hence, this blog. My kids are getting older, so this year I'm also trying to get back into hiking and walking regularly, with and without them. I hate going to bed and I am also incredibly cranky when I don't get enough sleep, so that's a conundrum. I have some ADHD tendencies but don't claim the label as I've never been formally diagnosed and I did great in school, so who knows (actually, I tried earlier this year to schedule an evaluation, and the office said somebody would call me back, and they never did, so maybe they need to evaluate themselves, just saying). Some days I have the patience of a Zen master, and other days I'm ready to scream and run away from home. I like the idea of cooking, but reality is kind of ridiculous (who has time for that??), so the only things I consistently make from scratch are pancakes and these scrambled eggs that we watched Gordon Ramsey make once on MasterChef. I am addicted to Facebook and I read voraciously - the goal is 100 books per year, and in 2019 I read 106 (yes, audiobooks count, too!). I'm hoping to pull some reviews into this blog, but we'll see, which brings me to the next things to know about me: I am a procrastination master, stubborn and contrary, and I like to create elaborate plans with no follow-through because it's less disheartening to never do something than to attempt it and fall on my face. I am a recovering believer that the grass is greener on the other side; I think this has more to do with age and maturity than any deep life lessons, though you'd think it would be the life lessons since I've held 12 different jobs in the past 10 years. I have a bachelor's degree, which I earned after changing majors 11 times; 13 credits towards an associate's degree in early childhood education; 0 credits toward a BSN since I dropped out of (very expensive) nursing school 2 months in; and a (second, after switching from elementary to secondary 2 years into a 3-year program and having to start over again) non-degree teaching certification as a sort-of career-changer. I'd like to get a master's degree and eventually a doctorate, but, frankly, I clearly have a terrible track record for committing and I'd have to figure out what I actually want to study, first. Graduate essays are my Achilles' heel, because mostly I just want to learn new things and then do them and then teach them to other people, and that doesn't seem to be a reasonable response to questions like, "How will earning this degree improve your life and advance your career goals?" Dunno, dude. Let me learn some stuff and I'll get back to you on that.
- T-ROX - That's my astonishingly steady life partner. He's 34, has insisted on sticking with me for the past 18 years, only changed his major twice, and has been working at the same job for the past 8 years (there was a little difficulty finding a job in his field in the beginning, or I'm positive that number would be higher). He's the eye to my hurricane. We have nothing in common except our values, our politics, and our sense of humor, and sometimes he drives me crazy because he's the Voice of Too Much Reason, but then again, I'm also not living in a box on a beach somewhere (something I insisted years ago would happen), so I guess I'll keep him around. He also spoils me, and did I mention that he insists on putting up with me in the first place? Things definitely don't suck in the relationship department.
- FROGGY - The kid who made me a mom. She's 6, and all of it, and she's also my mini-me, personality-wise, so it's good that we have a big house! Truly, she's fascinating and entertaining, and she's also hugely challenging for me. Her birth was hard and I am positive that I had postpartum depression/anxiety after she was born, but I didn't get help for it, and I think it really impacted my bond with her. At the least, it didn't help. If I'm reading parenting books and blogs and posts in groups on Facebook, it's because I'm trying to figure her out and do better by her, specifically. She's also the reason I have learned so much about sensory processing disorders, which has helped her as well as some of my students (potentially a future blog post). At least she has almost never struggled with sleep, so even when everything else in my life suddenly became a billion times harder, that has been one thing that has helped all of us. She loves to do art projects and she is learning to read, and she loves science and is incredible at math, for which I'm grateful since math was my hardest subject throughout school. Her imagination is brilliant and her empathy for others is a joy to witness.
- BEAN - The second and youngest kid. He is nearly 4, and he is basically what would happen if you stuck Sonic the Hedgehog into a blender with a brilliant summer day and then poured that into a person mold. We haven't figured out where the off switch is hiding yet, or else he would sleep much more easily and often, but at least he is generally vastly cheerful while he's busy never stopping. Small consolation when you can't go to bed yourself until he's asleep or else he might set the house on fire (definitely a future blog post), but it's something.
- STARGAZER - The third and eldest kid. She just turned 15, and I won't talk much about her background because her story isn't mine to share. However, I will talk about the places where we intersect and the things that involve me as a parent/teacher. We are in the process of adopting her, and in the time that I've been writing this post, I was contacted by her new lawyer to introduce herself, received an email from our licensing worker, and sent some check-in texts back and forth with her foster/adoption worker, so there's almost always something on my plate related to her placement with us. She's a phenomenal kid and we generally get along well, and it's certain that I'll share more about how she came to be with us in a future post. She's the fourth child we've fostered and the first one we'll adopt (T-Rox insists she's the only one we'll adopt...), and our experience with foster care and adoption has been so outside of the typical expectations that I feel compelled to talk about it. I'm a bit of an evangelist when it comes to talking about foster care, as well, so it's probable that a lot of my posts about Stargazer will actually involve her only obliquely and sort of spotlight some tidbit or other about the system and our interaction with it. I want to be clear that I'm not doing that because I'm using her as an object or a conversation piece, but rather because I respect her dignity and integrity and want to protect her story as much as possible while also sharing more specifically about our experience and the system itself, at least as it operates in Michigan.
That's all from me for now - I can hear children getting on each other's nerves upstairs. In my next post, I'll outline the timeline of my journey with foster care and education, or something along those lines. Till next time!
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